Wow - Newman's Own is WEIRD

So I grew up eating lots of iceberg lettuce salads...I mean, hey, those bag salads weren't even around when I was growing up. And on top of those salads, the elixer that made them taste like..well, anything, was Mr. Paul Newman. For years I read the back of the bottle, not quite sure of who this Newman guy was--I had never seen The Sting or anything else he had been in. In fact, for a number of years, I think I actually thought that he simply made Italian Dressing from the basement of his home, occasionally brewing up a batch for a friend at Christmas...(if you have ever read the back of the bottle, this is HILARIOUS).

Anyway, Liz was kind enough to point out the excellent, if not weird copy on the back of the new "Low Fat Sesame Ginger" dressing.

The Great Salad Dressing Balloon Race. An armada of balloons loaded with Low Fat Sesame Ginger. The starters gun - Bazoombah! They all rise majestically into the air. Newman's Own Balloon, with fewer calories, more taste and secretly propelled by charity, flies faster than Kraft and further than Wishbone. First across. First on the ground. El Piloto quaffs mucho quaffs of Newman's Own Low Fat Sesame Ginger in victory. A medium light Italian starlet, daughter of Butch Cassidini, named Bitch Cassidini, leaps into the balloon basket, kisses Piloto, her lips smeared with Newman's Own Low Fat, she murmurs, "You taste of Sicily, of Vesuvius, of Naples, baby", and patting his fanny she whispers, "and no fat."

What?? I can't even articulate how weird and surreal this copy is. Well, let me try:

1. I don't know if I am more creeped out by the phrase "El Piloto quaffs mucho quaffs of Newman's Own Low Fat Sesame Ginger in victory", or the fact that they refer to El Piloto's lover as Bitch Cassidini!

2. I haven't been to Italy, but I am pretty sure that Sesame Ginger isn't a staple in the palate. So what's with the Italian Stallion storyline?

3. I desperately want to use the phrase "secretly propelled by charity" once in my life, hopefully referring to myself. But I won't have the cape or Clark Kent-esque spectacles. Or maybe I will.

I do highly recommend the dressing though - only 1.5g of fat per serving! And tasty. Any Nathan, all the money goes to charity. It automatically makes you a better person.